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Speed Racer was pretty awesome.  Go see it.

I guess I could write more of a review, but what else do you need to know?

Posted on May 10th, 2008 by Babblin' Joe
Filed under: Misery | No Comments »

And I went places and did things. I hung out with people. I drove to a new town and was scared I’d die by the forgotten saloons and broken down buildings. I played guitar hero at a sausage-fest. I went to a museum and tried to make snide comments and was met by silence by the corners of the wall.And life kept going on. Each day felt like the last,…only things were a bit hazy. Sleeping through life I could never tell what day it was, or why it mattered what day it had been. Friends started to find work and get going while I was stuck in the doldrums with my yearly sickness of having grown a year older.

Everyday. Just everyday. I think of that word and what it means, does mean, and could mean.

Everyday is the same. I try not to be too hard on myself, but I’m a failure through and through. We can’t all be failures like G.W. and fail upwards though. Some of us have to sink down into the lower crusts of society.

http://www.viruscomix.com/page357.html

Is so true.

So everyday i woke up and did things. Sometimes I was with people, more times I was alone. But more and more, I had forgotten what it was like to be awake in my own life.

Everynight I went to bed hoping when I would wake in the morning, I’d finally be awake and all that had passed had been the dream.

But no, I’m still here and I’m still asleep. Wake-walking my way through life.

At least the weather is nice.

I can’t say that I am though.

As the years have been unkind, so have I too grown.

One day this will be all over and I’ll think to myself, was it worth it? Could there be more adventures to be had?

I’m still looking for a way to not be bored, that is all.

That is all.

Posted on April 22nd, 2008 by Babblin' Joe
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Daisy May, aged 15, brown cocker spaniel died this morning in her sleep.

I haven’t had a chance to see her since I moved to California, so it doesn’t really seem real to me.

So try your best to console me.  I don’t know what else to say.

Posted on April 5th, 2008 by Babblin' Joe
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I finally got an external hard drive case so I now have access to all of my old files from my old computer. I was doing a bit of housekeeping on it when I decided to read some of my old aim logs, i have some going as far back as 1999.

I read a few of them. Most were conversations with a friend of mine I no longer talk to, a mr. L. We talked about the future, about how I won the school election, about how I was just a joke and neurotic and would never be much of anything. Reading old logs are quite depressing. However though, with hindsight comes insight — I was sure one arrogant, conceited, smart ass back then.

That is not to say I am not one now, but I think life has worn away most of my sharp edges at this point. Actual strife and failure have replaced the idea of it. I didn’t have any better of an idea of where I wanted my life to go then, then I do today, either of which is not up to par with my current situation nor my expectations for myself.

I do wish I had perhaps listened to others more back then, especially L. I might have been able to learn something, or at least learned how to be a better person.

Any perceived arrogance or conceit is all spitfire, all illusion. Self-confidence isn’t something I’ve had for a while as I keep managing to fail at everything I attempt. The world knocks me down again and again and I keep getting up and asking for more.

In my day to day life I try to put up a strong front to not appeared as weathered as I truly am. But it is just that, a front.

Back then it wasn’t though. It was genuine arrogance and conceit. I hope I’m past that stage. High school me was an entirely different beast. So if i was a bit of a bastard to you back then, I apologize — blame hormones, lack of life experience, and not knowing when to keep my mouth shut.

Posted on March 27th, 2008 by Babblin' Joe
Filed under: Misery | No Comments »

http://www.tokyomango.com/tokyo_mango/2008/03/diy-kit-teaches.html

I want this for my birthday, which btw is coming up.

I ought to report on recent ongoings, but i’ll do so at a later date.  I did get smash brothers though, so if anyone wants to play online let me know your code.

Posted on March 27th, 2008 by Babblin' Joe
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So to avoid the prospect of complete and utter abject poverty and living in my car this month (which if we’re going to be honest about it I was very nearly there, missed it this month by about a week), I’ve managed to get some part time work at a local chain retail store which for the purposes of anonymity I’m not going to name at this time.

This won’t be too detailed an entry but I thought I’d write a little about it.

So far I find my work surprisingly satisfying. I don’t have to think, just do. Unlike the government, since they are a for profit business things are run very efficiently and logically and they vocally encourage any employee to speak up if they have any ideas on how to improve things — an idea which ran counter to my government experience where when i’d speak up i’d quickly be told to shut up and mind my place and that things will never change.

It is good to do an honest day’s work again. I don’t mind being tired. I don’t mind working long hours. I don’t mind having to do more than the minimal amount. I also don’t mind being appreciated and thanked for a good job.

This job doesn’t pay nearly enough and I’ll be living pay check to pay check until i secure proper coding work again, but the people are nice and the work is easy. Doing my work I can get very zen about it, I don’t have to think about anything except what I am doing. It is like when you’re in the zone, or when you’re in the zone when you’re coding.

The people who I work with are all very friendly and nice. They look at me in awe when i tell them of my travels or of having 2 degrees. They shake their head and can’t understand why I am working with them instead of else where…I just shake my head and sigh and say i don’t know either…then we go to lunch and have some laughs and I try to push those thoughts aside.

I’m working on getting some more interviews though and I’ll probably have one next week. They gave me a coding assignment to do. Having this job gives me even more motivation to find proper work because though it is easy and enjoyable work, why do it when I can be getting paid 3-4 times with half the hours.

I keep thinking of Dagny Taggert and how I want to make things. No one in America seems to make anything anymore. Being in the service / retail industry isn’t for me as I am not producing anything of my own, but merely peddling the wares of others.

I guess that is all there is to say for now. I’ve managed to barely avoid being homeless (which isn’t hyperbole, phone me if you really care for those details), and I’m going to recommit myself to getting ahead, keeping up with my coding, and finding myself a proper job.

Posted on March 13th, 2008 by Babblin' Joe
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Their minds really do trouble me sometimes — not that they are so different, or their neural pathways get shaped in someway science has yet to comprehend, just how they can be lead to interpret everyday events disturbs me in more ways than common sense should allow.

I was talking to my new friend K today about relationships and various other things. She told me she had been proposed to 6 different times, by several different men. She didn’t find it endearing, or as some high mark of esteem that they valued her so highly or felt such a burning passion for her — rather she felt insulted! Insulted! Of all things to feel, I can honestly say I do not understand that sentiment at all.

Her thought process was somewhat along the lines of, you are fucking stupid! You think you have your whole life figured out now, at 17, at 19, at 22, etc? You think you can support me and my future? You’re just so stupid and selfish, fuck off!?

She asked me, what were these guys thinking?

My reply, “I don’t know, maybe that they loved you and wanted to be with you?”

Love? She shrugged. You need more than just love for marriage to work. These guys who thought they had it all figured out, really hadn’t and that notion just insulted me, their lack of foresight.

After that, I couldn’t help but laugh at her. Here I was a man who won a war against cynism, who still after Paris and all would gladly fall into the throws of another non-nonsensical love, yet I was not the one battle-scarred! She was the cynic! Ha! I had to laugh.

Earlier, she talked about how she maybe she was so miserable because she hadn’t fallen in love in a long time. Not that she isn’t seeing someone, but surely there is a difference between loving someone, being in love, and falling in love. She missed the falling part.

But the notion that asking for a girl’s hand in marriage is insulting!? That entire idea is foreign to me. If someone were to ask for my hand, I’d find it the highest praise! That they valued me so highly to bind us together, for me it is hard to think of a greater compliment.

So guys, if you decide to ask for a girl’s hand in marriage and she declines, it might not be that she doesn’t love you, or care for you, it may just be that she found the notion of a proposal insulting — maybe best to never propose and leave the question up in the air — at least until she gets over herself and doesn’t find insults in compliments.

Girls are weird.

Posted on March 7th, 2008 by Babblin' Joe
Filed under: Misery | 4 Comments »

My friend S pointed out to me the obvious logical conclusion that I had missed.  What do the British and time travel have in common with one another?  The answer is so simple and obvious I completely missed it!

Doctor Who!

I guess that is what my dream was trying to tell.  Somehow the Doctor is going to help me solve the problem of time travel.

That’s all.

Posted on March 2nd, 2008 by Babblin' Joe
Filed under: Misery | No Comments »

I had an odd dream last night —- somehow I had managed to master a theory of time travel and went back in time a few times to see things work out in different ways.  I don’t remember my method but I recall in my dream writing it down on a notepad and somewhere on said pad it said, “British?”  I don’t know how that fits together.  But maybe MI5 can fill me in.

Unrelated, i’m starting a part time job next week.  It’ll be enough to be barely above poverty maybe.  Who would have thought it’d be so hard to get a computer science job in this day and age?  I guess college was for suckers, I should have just kept that money and invested it instead of spending it on some useless piece of paper.

Posted on February 28th, 2008 by Babblin' Joe
Filed under: jobs, Misery | 2 Comments »

Finished atlas shrugged yesterday, enjoying a nice day of solitude and pizza eating. I enjoyed the novel thoroughly, it is rare to find a book I read so quickly and enjoyed so much. I couldn’t put it down (though of course for the sake of argument time is on my side lately).

Everything flowed well until the last 2 chapters or so where Rand busts into a mammoth 56 page or so monologue. That was the only point where I had to take some breaks to finish it. That chapter felt like a chore and if i was her editor and she handed me that chapter I would have slapped her in the face and told her cut, cut , and cut some more until you can make this fit into the context of a novel and keeping the readers’ attention.

Still a good book though, gives me a new found appreciation for bioshock and makes me wish I could have some sort of relation to the worlds of business or science and that I produced something — that I could work in service of myself for myself and not for the sake of others at the expense of myself — that is to say i wish I had a job where I could be paid for doing what I’d like to do.

Not bad though, to finish one of the worlds longest books (according to wiki as it has around 656,000 words and is actually longer than War and Peace) in but 5 days, is quite a feat. Though I’ll say it was easier to read than War and Peace, not as many characters and not as many weird russian names to keep track of.

Posted on February 15th, 2008 by Babblin' Joe
Filed under: Misery | No Comments »

Last week was a hectic one for me. I went to a temp agency in S.D. Monday. I had an interview at a casual games company on Tuesday. And Wednesday this motion capture company in NYC flew me out to the east coast. Thursday I interviewed. Friday I came back.

But let’s fill in the gaps now.

Wednesday was my flight. There was driving to the airport and then waiting at the airport. Then there was watching some Full metal panic I had downloaded onto my laptop. Then I was in New York. I had grown accustomed to the west coast weather. The best I could do for warmth was an old leather jacket and my hoodie — not nearly enough for 10 and 20 degree weather.

The hotel I stayed in was nice though — the Roosevelt hotel, right in midtown next to old grand central station. The interior was the sort you’d expect from high class hotel decadence. That and President Theodore Roosevelt is one of my favorite of all of the executives. It was late by the time I got in, around 11 pm. But I hadn’t had a bite to eat and everything was comped to the company dine so after getting into some more appropriate clothes for the city, i headed out the door and into the thick of it.

I came to rest my feet at the first pub that seemed to my liking, this british / irish type pub i think it was, Annie Moore’s or something similar it was named. I asked if the kitchen was still open and they said yes, so I sat down. I got a seat towards the back of the pub, ordered a beer and a steak. It was a great meal.

Under normal circumstances my mind would have turned to roberto’s table for one, or other such idle and self referential thoughts. But jet lagged and eager for the day ahead I focused on the texture of the meat, on the aftertaste of the lager, and the smile of my cute irish waitress.

I tried to strike up a bit of a conversation with her, told her I liked her accent and asked where she was from. I told her I was from out of town and here on business. Pretending to be a faux businessman does seem to suit me sometimes. I think I’d like to wear a suit more if there was any real power or authority behind it instead of just clever words and quick glances.

Two ladies were having dinner late at night themselves across from me. They were about late 40s I’d guess, one a bit short with black hair, the other a bit round with the sort of curly hair I hate, the type my friend S is fond of. They got into some sort of verbal tumult and the other left angrily to wash up a bit and cool off.

During that lull in their conversation the one with the short black hair turned to me to strike up conversation. First about her friend and their silly argument. They had just gotten back from the ballet I think. She thought it was sad that a nice young man like myself was having dinner alone. I told her not to be sad for me. I was just in town on business and I didn’t know anyone, and I was hungry, what was I going to do? Steak dinners by myself sound fine to me, at least when someone else is paying.

I went into my faux businessman mode and just starting bsing about whatever. Which was pleasant enough. I had hoped to maybe later perfect that story during my trip to use on some femme fatle I’d be sure to run into at the hotel’s bar — the sort of girl who has half of her face covered by her hair, reflecting that part of her past she’d like to remain hidden as well. This was an event that never happened as the hotel’s bar was more full of geriatrics than hot dames, or even coy call girls

I finished my dinner and said some parting words to the ladies across from me and my waitress and went back to prepare for the day ahead.

Thursday — was a long day. I got to the business I was interviewing at around 10 am. The company was very small, 5, maybe 7 people total. The loft (is that the right word?) they were in wasn’t that impressive. The desks were made from pieces of wood and supports it looked like had been cobbled together by the cheapest thing they could get at the home depot. But i suppose with rents being what they are in new york, expenses were spent there on their address as opposed to their accoutrements. I met with the 2 lead programmers for a long time, as the ceo was busy showing their product off to potential buyers most of the day — I think he had forgotten they had scheduled an interview with me that day, being they did take the time to fly me in and setup everything else.

The interview went okay. They asked me some questions that weren’t too hard. I thought I did fine enough. Their software was pretty impressive, but surely in need of work. I’m sure once all the kinks are out and they got ipo in 3-5 years they’ll all be rich, maybe — less someone else beats them to the punch. I’m wary of small companies, I can appreciate their vigor but I don’t know if I trust them to still be around in a years time. That and they are mainly composed of veterans, when I more so need a place that will train me, since I am still somewhat new having not been out of school that long. Small companies tend to expect you to know everything and pull your weight day one.

Either way, the problem was that though the lead coders had finished their questions with me the ceo was still busy. So we sat around a lot of time waiting for him, so much so they ran out of things to ask me and the same went for me. We eventually went to lunch, got some good Thai food. Then about an hour or so after all that I finally met with the ceo and talked with him.

He asked me more of the standard questions. Things seem to go alright. I then finally left around either 4 or 5 pm I’d like to say.

I immediately gave a call to my friend Tim. He is the ex bf of my friend Em, a good guy overall though. He and Em had my back for me after those troubles in Paris. I never forget a kindness given, so I wanted to treat him to a round of drinks or two. Now he is in a band the tire fires, http://www.myspace.com/thetirefires . We got drinks, than got dinner, then got more drinks. After a day like that I needed something to drink badly.

We spent a lot of time just sitting around talking about whatever. He has some of the best stories I’ve heard in years. Tales about naked girls and blow and crazy parties and ridiculous situations that just escalate to the point of absurdity. His stories are the sorts that come to mind when I think of what a typical new york city adventure should be like. Things start off entirely mundane and then by the end of the night you have no idea how life could possibly be this ridiculous, or how you could be so lucky to end up in the arms of such pretty strangers.

Of course that is the sort of night I had hoped to have. But it never fails, for some reason whenever I’m around those sorts of nights just don’t happen. Instead they are quite nights in front of the tele, or lonely nights drunk on a barstool listening to mediocre bands with girls about as appealing as a set of colorforms opened 20 years ago.

It was still a nice time, but never the crazy time I wish I could live. The life I wish I could live if i could trade places with him. I’d love to be in a band and just go around the city being drunk and breaking hearts left and right. But sadly that isn’t my lot in this life.

So we went to some bars after dinner and grabbed some drinks — well I grabbed a lot. I got pretty drunk. Tim and i went over our past year and how things have been going. He compared my life to a country song. Between my jobs and my loves and my health problems and my soon to be complete homelessness and poverty, he felt bad that I could just never get a break. It seemed to me like he didn’t know how I didn’t kill myself with all the sadness around me constantly.

Sometimes i ask myself that too. I’m glad I took that philosophy course though, the one that taught me I could never commit suicide as I can’t accurately judge the value of life being caught up in being alive — philosophy saved my life.

I could try to write my life into a country song, maybe a novel, or a play. But I’m not there yet, I’m not ready to collect all that gunk together — there has to be some sort of triumph of the self overcoming itself for me to put my past behind me. That sort of reminiscing for me is deadly, I indulged Tim because I hadn’t seen him in so long and I was very drunk — I try to hide as much of myself as I think is appropriate from most people — I can’t go around telling everyone my life story, it is too emotionally draining.

He has had it rough this past year too. An ex of his died of a brain aneurysm, something I didn’t know until he told me about it — which entirely explains his disheveled appearance earlier this year. He is also hurting for work like me, but at least he has his band.

Tim is a good man though. A bit blunt and cruel, but good. I was mainly offended when he said I wouldn’t be a good lawyer, since I think my knack for arguing and winning would prove otherwise. But I let it slide since I’d rather be a politician than a lawyer anyway.

I saw all these girls around NYC that looked like they could have been any one of my various exs. The thought of running into any of them again horrified me. When I told S this she said, so I guess it isn’t just the city you hate, you really just ran away from your past as fast as you could. Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. I don’t know yet. All I know is I couldn’t sit around any longer on that coast. Least here I am free of any past and I can do nothing BUT create a new life for myself, create a new past.

I’m terrified of meeting anyone from my past until I’ve made something of myself — until then I have nothing to say to them. I feel this inner drive to succeed no matter what, and since I haven’t, I don’t know what could be done if I ran into anyone and I was still the loser I am today. It isn’t that I need other people’s approval, I need my own first and since I don’t have that, I feel pretty crappy these days.

I took a cab back to the hotel very drunk after wandering around with Tim for ages around what must have been the village or chelsea, I don’t know NYC that great.

Friday I hung out with my aunt a bit. I don’t know if any of you know this, but she is a professional photographer, she is actually a professor of it as one of the local universities in NYC. Some of her work was hanging up at a show at some prestigious NYC gallery, so she insisted I had to go. So I went with her. The shows we went to were fun, and I found out I had a keen fondness for the work of Augustus Sanders, such a brilliant name for a photographer — it reminded me of Ceaser and KFC all at once — plus his work is really grim and angst-filled I enjoyed it highly.

We grabbed lunch and later in the day I got some great NYC pizza which I had missed dearly — I don’t know why I can’t get proper pizza on the west coast, it just boggles the mind.

She asked me how the interview went and how things are in cali and how dire my finances really are now and I told her alright and pretty dire.

I did note that every gallery we went to was staffed by gorgeous arsty girls — the sort that wear ascots around their neck and actually know about art. Girls who in my mind are very swoon-worthy. My aunt told me she knows pretty much all of those girls since she goes to the galleries often / is often showing work at them, so if I did get the job in NYC she could set me up with some of them — so I’d have at least one reason to take the job if offered it.

After that brief afternoon, I got to my plane and waited, waited some more, wasted some time, then was back on the west coast. It was good to be back in nice 60 degree weather, much too cold over there.

I got home to check my emails and found out the company had emailed me the very day. I didn’t get the job, but they wished me the best of luck in my job search. They were looking for someone with more experience, someone who could have more of a senior role — well not like they didn’t read my resume already, or talk to me on the phone prior and knew I hadn’t been out of school long.

But whatever, it was a free trip, free hotel, and free meals. I can’t complain much. I would have liked to had time to sight-see instead of spending all day interviewing, but I suppose that couldn’t be avoided. I mean, what else was I going to do last week anyway? Go to the beach some more, watch tv? Least I got out of the house.

As for recent events, I have a 2nd and final round of interviews with a local company this tuesday. We’ll see how that goes, maybe it’ll solve my financial woes once and for all, or at least temporarily. The job market is really tough right now. I’m just not getting much back from all the resumes I send out.

If I don’t get something soon, retail here I come — i even already put in my applications for it.

I guess that should catch my loyal readers up to date. This week I watched 3:10 to Yuma, Full Metal Panic Season 2, Charlie Wilson’s War, and There Will be Blood. Above all I recommend watching There Will be Blood — Daniel Day Lewis’ performance is amazing. The entirely film, it is just so epic, so powerful, so precisely what we need in film making these days. I usually hate most films, so for me to say this, take my word at this, watch it.

That’s all.

Posted on February 1st, 2008 by Babblin' Joe
Filed under: jobs, Misery | 5 Comments »

Totally aced today’s interview.   I finally had the often talked about but rarely seen, fabled “traditional interview”.  That is to say they didn’t ask me any coding questions and we just talked about my job background and what life is like at the company.

As a result, I think I totally kicked ass at my interview.  When i’m not having to deal with coding problems and am allowed to just talk and babble that is where I really shine.  My babblin’ skills are legendary at this point and today shall once again prove that.

I’ll let you loyal readers know when they decide to call back to give me the job.

Of course if they don’t, i’ll switch over to the equally well known F.E.A. (fuck everyone attitude), but we’ll see.

Tomorrow I fly to nyc, stayed tuned loyal reader.  I’ll let you know how new york goes.

Posted on January 22nd, 2008 by Babblin' Joe
Filed under: jobs, Misery | 1 Comment »

So get this. This company wants to fly me out to NYC next week to do an on-site interview.

Now normally I’d be opposed to such a thought. I don’t particularly care for NYC, and if I did get it, would I really want to move back to the east coast? But hey, it’s a free flight and they are paying for my hotel and meals as well.

Not like I am doing anything else lately. So fuck it. I’m going to NYC next week. If it turns out cool and they make an offer I’ll deal with the problem then, also I could use an offer as leverage against other ones — not that I have any yet, but I do have another interview with a local company this Tuesday.

I’m sure you’re all very excited to hear boring job hunting details. But if you’re in NYC or want to come see when I’m there let me know.

Posted on January 18th, 2008 by Babblin' Joe
Filed under: jobs, Misery | 1 Comment »

So my fake juror duty case. Due to NDAs I can’t say to much to the actual facts, but if I don’t use any names or identifying info I figure it should be okay and no one reads this blog anyway, so no need to worry.

Here were the basics of the case: This lady fell in a parking lot on a bump in the pavement. She broke her hip as a result of the fall and now pretty much can’t work and needed lots of surgery and will probably need more in the future. The questions we were asked to address was whether the parking lot people were at fault and if so what should be just compensation.

Via the legal facts of the case, it seems the lot was at fault for the bump violated several code laws. As for awarding her money for being clumsy and falling down over it, that was the tricky part. Myself and 1 other juror were against giving much, maybe medical bills and a little more, because we can’t just go around giving money away to clumsy people. But then again, the lot was a fault as she now pretty much is a cripple. Keep in mind i’m leaving out some major facts of the case as to cover my back legally speaking.

After a long time in deliberation I was convinced to go along with sum of 3 million, figuring she has only about 40 years to live left anyway, and inflation, and her medical bills, that really isn’t that much. Meh i wish I could describe this event better, but it was pretty boring, so not much to blog about it on.

If this was a real case and I was at trial I would have fought more to find her at fault and the lot not responsible.  But since it is just fake, and we were given limited facts, these were the results.  The purpose of the whole thing was to see how people respond to different things given limited information.  Given the info we were to me it seems we couldn’t have reached much of another conclusion (at least not without going into more time than we were going to be paid for and temp workers don’t stick around for that! )

In other news, i’m all caught up on seasons 3-4 of the wire! Seriously, you should watch it, it is a good show. When I have some stuff worthy of writing (which this entry isn’t, but I said i’d write) i’ll write more, until then have a miserable time loyal readers!

Posted on January 15th, 2008 by Babblin' Joe
Filed under: jobs, Misery | 2 Comments »

today I beat S at a game of chess.  That is all.

It took me least 5-7 years to beat Shen-Yi, I beat S on the first try!  Either I rule, or she sucks very very badly to lose to me.

Posted on January 12th, 2008 by Babblin' Joe
Filed under: Misery | 1 Comment »