my buddylist was empty, and so was I.
I kept waiting for something, until there was nothing left to wait for.
I try to remember what I can with my swiss-cheese memory
– the results of that fatal head injury.
I can’t believe the things I’ve done, or who I was.
I don’t recognize that person I was / am supposed to be.
Lately I’ve felt very disconnected from my body
– just watching life go on around from outside of me.
I feel more like a character than a person.
I move my arms and walk but it feels more like pantomime than real life.
I didn’t miss my family.
I didn’t miss my loves.
I missed the fictional reality that I had surrounded myself in for years
– if only my notebook hadn’t been stolen
– I could reflect upon past turmoils and see if there were any solutions there.
The cursor blinks and so do I.
What is the point?
I’ll never be far enough away from my past, and I’ll never feel like myself, that is all there is to it.
So i’ll keep going through the motions,
one day muscle memory might form actual neural patterns
and I could remember any of this. Since I won’t,
these words etch against the tide of forgetfulness.
I forget everything as everyone forgets me.
I think it is time to forget all of this for now.
Good thing I won’t remember writing this in the morning
and I’ll wonder what was my problem last night.
I’m glad i won’t remember.
No one invites me to come along to anything,
or thinks to involve me in anything.
I guess I’m just better off living alone.
Posted on November 27th, 2007 by Babblin' Joe
Filed under: Misery